Sandra, he always called me SAHn-drAH.

My best friend helped me out when I was feeling low. Jill is a wonderful friend. I give thanks for Jill, my friend,.

This sad time has opened big emotions for everyone. For my middle son, he suffers the effects of emotional trauma, for his two brothers, anger. They turned on him and castigated him for his faults, of which he has quite a few. There is no doubt his faults, which stem from his sad feelings, low confidence and self-centredness, impact on the rest of the family. However, the others were not here to see him rise to the circumstances, in ways which they did not. They shied away from the sadness and tragedy that unfolded, and my middle son bore the brunt. My daughters too, I kept most of it from them. My eldest daughter had already broken contact with me four years ago so there was nothing to say to her and, anyway, she lives overseas. For my youngest, I needed to shield her from it, and as she lives interstate it was easy to tell her little.

My other two sons spent this last weekend in furious electronic communication with me, trying to get me to drop my middle son in favour of them, citing his behaviour, The eldest son did some distressing things, including distributing photos of my middle son's messy house. It was messy in part because of the trauma of the burdens of the situation, and his brother's action caused great embarrassment and hurt. I helped my middle son to start seeing a counsellor, and just as he was starting to make progress, he was traumatised again by his brothers' rejection.

My Mother is shocked at my two sons' behaviour and tells me to ignore them until they wake up to themselves.

Neither of those two of my sons seem concerned with my immediate welfare. They think my long-term prospects are better if I am not trying to help their brother, but all they did was hurt and traumatise me. It unleashed a wave of grief and loneliness which took me days to control.

I am still fragile. I miss Arthur, I just want to hold him again. I want him to talk to me again. I want to hear him say 'Sandra' in that High English or Italian way he always did, "SARn-drAH'; Sandra and Arthur,

I am tired. I have withdrawn from my university subject and I will take it up later,

For now, I need rest.

Sons and Daughters

I visited my eldest son on Sunday, July 3rd. He made dinner for me, and we went out and walked his dogs. During the walk I spoke to him of that last day with Arthur. He was in Victoria on a job when it happened. He has been distant during this time, and even on Sunday he was more into solving practical things than giving me any emotional support, He seemed to shy away from anything emotional, which I understand. But it did make it plain to me that I no longer had someone who would put their arms around me and hold me, or tell me it will all be okay. I just wanted a hug. I wanted to get into the car and go to my best friend, just to get someone to comfort me. But I know I need someone like my son to think of the practical things too.

This week the local housing agency came and fixed the light switch in Arthur's place. He was waiting for months for them to do that, also to paint his bedroom. His windows and doors needed fixing and again, they didn't come. He always paid his rent on time too, for over forty years in the one house. That disappointed me, though they did put in a ramp for his wheelchair. Arthur would not move into my house, I wish he had, for I am sure I could have looked after him better there, but he wanted us to be in his place, so I respected that. It is hard though, because I have to let it go, the place where many of my memories were formed.

My second son moved his catamaran today, and this caused an argument with my eldest son, over the trailer. I am sure they will work it out tomorrow but truly I do not have the energy for my offspring's squabbles.

I have thought a couple of times that maybe soon I should have Arthur's ashes interred, but I am not ready yet. I had his funeral service too soon for me, I was not ready, but my children, or at least my daughter and youngest son pushed me into having it only seven days after Arthur died. They said I needed to get it over with and they could not stay, as they had return flights and jobs they could not be away from for too long They thought they were helping me, but it was not the case. In the end only my middle son went with me to the funeral service, so the others may as well have left me to have it in my own time. 

My middle son says he stills cries himself to sleep at night, and he is getting help from the doctor.

This has affected us all, in different ways.

Anthony's visit. Arthur sees his son.

Did I say Arthur has a son, Anthony, who has Downs Syndrome? Arthur often called him 'Ant'. Anthony lives in a community residence with 24 hours care, one of five people with intellectual disabilities who live in the house.

We had Anthony over for a couple of hour's visit today. It is the first in a number of weeks due to the hot weather. I gave him his presents which were still here from Christmas and cup of tea and lollies. He sat in Arthur's bedroom but did not seem to recognise him or even the dogs. I took him for a wander around the house and yard and he wanted to go out of the side gate. I assume he wanted to leave. He was sitting in a dining chair because there are no comfy chairs (no room) except the big lounge chair now, and l told Arthur I thought it might be a bit uncomfortable for him to be sitting for so long.

Arthur agreed and seem pleased to see him with his presents and drinking his tea and watching TV with him.  I talked about the things I remembered, Anthony going to Barkuma's Coventry Road workshop, with us to the soccer matches at Elizabeth City Soccer Club and the dinner dances there. I talked about the way the house was, Anthony's big brown chair and then the green vinyl one I got him, the blue carpet and the venetian blind I always hated cleaning, Arthur's fitted shelves I took down to fit in a bigger TV when I painted the walls that time. I talked of bringing Chelsea home as a pup, and how we worried about how Anthony would react and then how they got on together so well.

When Anthony's worker came the really wanted to go and we couldn't get him to go to Arthur, who was in his bed, for a hug or handshake or wave goodbye. She said he must be tired and wanting to go back. I said to Arthur that Anthony must really like his home to want to get back to it and Arthur gave happy smile and said 'Yes'.

I said maybe he should have a shorter visit next time and that I still wanted to get Arthur into the wheelchair to go to visit Anthony's home.

I do not think Anthony knows his Father, this house, me or even the dogs anymore.  I think Arthur did not notice as we covered it with excuses, and Arthur is more concerned with his son's welfare. Someone at the house told me Anthony has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease but I do not know they managed that, seeing 'he cannot talk, read or write' as Arthur has always put it.

I remember Arthur saying he could never explain to Anthony that his mother had died, when she passed away from heart disease in 1980, and that Anthony never again went into that bedroom. So maybe Anthony does remember, we can never know. 

Arthur is relaxed about Anthony now he knows he is well cared for and happy. For years all his worry was when he died was what would happen to his son, Anthony? He hated him being in Strathmont Centre and wanted him in a house with 24 hour care. It was a blessing all round when the State government funded 10 of those houses to be built in the community and Anthony finally moved in to his new house in Salisbury. 

I will have Anthony over again but for a shorter time and I will have his worker stay during the visit. Then Arthur can ask questions and Anthony will have someone familiar with him. When Athony was leaving the worker was nice, she must have seen I was fighting back tears. I said it was good to see Anthony even though I felt like saying "I have looked after these two for 29 years and I am seeing us all get old."

Arthur has seen his son and appears happy. He is getting on with watching the Perth One Day Cricket International between England and Australia.

I hope England win.