Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Last Rites.

The hospital called at about 1am this morning to say my husband's condition had worsened and that they did not expect him to survive this hospital stay. I came straight in. The fluid has built up in his lungs and they think his kidneys are not working.

I must be matter-of-fact in writing this, I am in the room with him as he sleeps and I do not want to weep. I am determined he should be comfortable and have dignity. He has had morphine for pain. I instructed the doctor to recommence the i/v antibiotics as he cannot take the oral ones now. He has slept all night.

I do not know if he can hear me say 'I love you" and "I am sorry', or if he knows one of the dogs, Chelsea is sleeping by his side, or heard the Anglican give the Prayer for the Dying. I half-hope he did not hear the last one, or he will be frightened, maybe. Or maybe not.

He has a single room and caring staff. Last night he complained of an earache and the doctor said there was a build-up of wax and the EN&T could not do it till the next day. Arthur got distressed by the pain so he was given a shot of Fenadril??? and later had 1 and 1/2 Temazapan, and later some morphine so he is sleeping heavily. I am watching his catheter drain, and not a great lot of urine has been voided so my hopes are fading.

I played some of his music he lives, Handel's Largo, that he told me he played on the violin for his mother as a schoolboy. He had to give up violin studies to go to work on the fishing boats at 14 years of age. He really regretted that. Many years ago I bought him a violin and he played that Largo for me.

My son said he would come out from London to help, my mother and my other sons will help me too.

But now is the wee small hours, I am still his wife, I still care for him. I am writing this part of his story. Not an end, but a passing. I must pass him on, in his time, to his Mother, Father, only sibling - his brother and other loved ones who have gone before. I have taken a lock of his hair and tied one of mine to his wristband.

Our love will be forever.

 He is groaning a little, I must tend him now.