Wednesday, February 16, 2011

So frail, so vulnerable, but I love him.

It is enough to break my heart, to see him lying in his hospital bed, so thin, so frail. Arthur is talking, he is eating vitamised foods and drinking thickened fluids, but he is so far from the strong and resolute man he was. He still has his sense of humour and quickness of mind, but he knows what he has lost. He laments never again drinking a bottle of beer, tipping his head back to enjoy a cold ale, when he sees the young men in the advertisements in the cricket telecasts on television. A small glass, tentatively sipped is not a man's way. Mind you, Arthur  was no great drinker of alcohol, and would like as not have me make an ice-shandy of beer and lemonade in a frozen glass the way I always made it, when the day was hot with the glare of an Australian Summer.  

I see bones with little muscle barely able to hold him up and hands that shake when holding a spoon. Arthur no longer reads, even though he only read one book in his whole life, a book about a soldier in World War One. I see his eyes are still the beautiful blue I love so much. I want to bring him home, to me, his dogs, his big TV with his football especially Manchester United, the three things most important to him now.

Arthur told me last week he would be leaving me soon. I said he wouldn't, the doctor had checked him over and he was still healthy.  I said to him that we must make this time be as long as possible, that we must make the best of what we had. He said, "I love you." I treasure that.

I am bit numb still. I have not been stricken with great grief; maybe because it is the background to my life, the hum just in the hearing, that fills any silent space.

Words cannot describe my love for this man or even why it exists, beyond all understanding. I will take him any way I can, frail, aged, needy, dependent. I will give him what he desires, to be at home for as long as he can, with us, his wife and his family of dogs.

This man is my husband, I am his wife. We belong together. We love each other.

I love him.

Arthur has pneumonia.

Arthur is in hospital, diognosed with pnuemonia from respirating food or fliuds. He was breathing shllowly on Monday so the nurse from the service provider called the ambulance for me. He is on antibiotics now, and is eating and drinking fluids so he does not seem in any danger.

I called the doctor out twice last week, and the ambulance for the paramedic to check hm out because I was worried about him. He was having difficulty walking, was not eating enough and or drinking enough fluids. He must have been developing pneumonia but showing no signs, not even a raised temperature, becasue they did not find anything to be worried about.

The Lyell McEwin Hospital is very impressive and all the staff seem to be on-the-ball. he is in a single room and the nursing staff are very good.

I am very flat emotionally and I am having trouble getting myself going to do things. I will be visiting him later and I hope to find him resting comfortably.  This will probably be a week or so hospital stay for him.