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Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Homecoming Approaches.

Wednesday, 4th May, less than a week away, is the date Arthur will be home again. Arthur is looking forward to it but the is worried about me. He does not know how I will cope. He keeps saying he is sorry for me. It must be so hard for him to be a burden to me, in his own eyes.

I am not doing so well. I am highly anxious about it all. I suspect the respite has allowed me to get used to Arthur's needs not being here. I am not on call 24 hours a day, I don't have to worry about arranging for someone to be here if I need to go out, I do not have to deal with agencies and service providers.

I visit him with the dogs, he is happy to see me, thanks me for what I am doing, there is no conflict and we are relaxed. When Arthur needs personal care or re-positioning, I go outside the room until it is done. His health and welfare are some-one else's responsibility, and we just enjoy positive and happy contact.

Even the ravages of my grief have eased, somewhat.

The question arises, do I want Arthur to move permanently into a nursing home? The answer is no, I want him home. I want him home for his sake, not mine. He does not want to be there, he is just waiting it out until he is home again.

I do not know how I can cope with him at home with so few services. Just one visit a day means I will be changing his pad at least once a day, and now it seems he is bowel incontinent too, so coping with that will be so hard. I hate personal care, I hate everything to do with other people's bodily discharges. I toilet-trained my children as soon as they were old enough. I have helped Arthur on the toilet and changed his bowel pad a couple of times. How am I going to do this every day? I know nurses do it, but that is the reason I never wanted to be a nurse!

Why is it life gives you what you do not want so often?

My anxiety is making me nearly immobile with worry, my muscles are sore and I have tingling in my limbs. I have a lot of things to do so Arthur can come home.

I have to get a mechanical patient lifter, as I cannot afford an electrical one. I have to make sure I have everything arranged for the day and that I have the shopping done.

I am looking forward to Arthur's happiness when he finally comes home again.