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Friday, April 15, 2011

Arthur to come home soon. Reflections.

Arthur's discharge date is 4 May 2011 and I know he is looking forward to being home. I am both looking forward to being reunited and feeling scared about what the future holds.

It is nice to visit and take the dogs in, to leave the care and labour to someone else. I do not know how I am going to do it on my own with only 30 minutes of personal care support provided each day. I do not know how long before he gets sick again, with just me to care for him. He is alright, if rather bored where he is but that is because he knows it is temporary. I know if it was permanent he would just give up and die.

I have not been able to do much for myself because the fees for the respite have taken a lot of the income and I am too tired or stressed to out or I don't want to go anywhere alone. I did go to the hairdresser and have my hair done and I have visited by best friend every week. I enjoy seeing her and her support is wonderful.

The counsellor asked what gives me hope, but I struggled for an answer. There seems no hope, other than to make day-to-day living as comfortable as possible. My struggle to do my university course is my one way of keeping a door open for the future. I feel guilty thinking of a future as Arthur does not have one, I remind myself he has had a past, and I have yet to have as much of life as his past represents for him, but that is an intellectual argument, not an emotional one.

I need to prepare the house for his homecoming, when life will change once again.

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